My Personal Parenting-Book Faves

When our mothers raised us, there was only one book on parenting: Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care. My Mom said she didn’t even read it. :)

Parenting wasn’t even a word.

Now, there are countless volumes on how to feed, toilet train, talk to and otherwise raise our kids from womb to adulthood. There is, simply, too much information, and we can’t read it all.

I certainly haven’t read it all, but I have a few favourites that have saved my sanity. Without them I would probably be screaming at my kids all day. 

So, I’m going to share my favourite parenting books, and I hope some of you will do the same in the comments at the end (selfishly asking of course).

Each of these books focuses on understanding your child’s developing brain, normalizing all that crazy-making behaviour, and giving parents a way to respond to those behaviours in the most compassionate, productive way possible.

The Whole-Brain Child

This is one of those books that makes you say, “Ohhhhh…. Oops”.

Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson wrote this to help us understand the meltdowns – those illogical moments when our kids seem to make mountains out of mole hills.

It helps us make sense of the chaos - those times when we’re thinking (or saying) “Would you just calm down?!” (I remember hearing myself one stressful, rushed morning actually say to my 5-year-old, “It’s not a big deal!” To which she screamed right back, “It IS a BIG DEAL!” Right.)

The authors explain, in simple language, what’s actually happening in a child’s brain in those moments and what they really need from us, despite what it looks like. It is truly incredible when you have this knowledge, and instead of getting angry and trying to discipline in the middle of a tantrum, you just kneel down and hold your arms open, and your child (who five seconds ago was screaming ‘I hate you!’) runs right into them for comfort in the midst of the emotional storm.

Parenting the Strong-Willed Child

This book, by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long, outlines a five-week, clinically proven program – a specific method of interacting with your child – that can help prevent or seriously tone down the back-talking, tantrums and other difficult behaviours.

And it works like a flippin’ magic wand, no kidding. It is so effective at teaching parents how to help their child feel acknowledged, noticed and appreciated (so there is less reason for them to act out in the first place) that I give a Cole’s Notes version (no pun intended) to every family I work with that has a toddler or older child.

I once recommended my short version of this strategy to parents whose little boy had “broken up with his Dad” – he was all Mommy, all the time (including the middle of the night).  Within a week or two of his Dad using it, the little boy was skipping out the door with him for café dates and park trips, cheerily waving “Bye Mom!” 

The program is truly incredible for kids aged 2.5–6; it focuses on boosting a positive sense of self in your child, so even if you’re not particularly struggling, it’s worth learning. It changed my life when I read it, and using the technique is now a habit. 

Raising Your Spirited Child

The subtitle on this book is “a guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent and energetic”.

Just even understanding that there’s a normal range of children’s temperaments can help you breathe a sigh of relief and stop wishing your child would magically (or forcibly) change into one of those docile, easy-going kids.

This book can help you understand your child, rather than assuming they’re “difficult” or coming off the rails. Spirited kids’ brains are wired differently, and they need different kinds of communication and awareness from us as parents. The author, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, explains it all, and gives you strategies for handling every situation in a way that helps your child feel appreciated for who they are.

I love this book because it helped me realize that spirited kids are a gift. I always say to parents at my sleep seminars that these are the cool kids, the super-fun kids. (I’m developing a bit of a theory that spirited natures first show themselves in difficulty settling to sleep….)

The ideas in this book help us learn how to positively respond to our spirited kids’ sometimes over-the-top natures. And it’s our (rather challenging) job to help them shine and not be bowled over by their emotions or shut down by a parent who wishes they were anything other than their perfect little selves, with all their wildness and exuberance.

Next on My List:

Hold On to Your Kids – Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

Gordon Neufeld is a giant in the child-development / attachment-theory world; he wrote this book with Gabor Maté as a guide for keeping kids grounded despite a phenomenon he calls “peer orientation” – when kids look to their peers for direction and a sense of right and wrong, rather than their parents.

I bought this book when my first child was an infant, because I knew I would need it one day. Parenting in the digital age scares me. It’s on my ‘to-read’ list now because my first child has just started school, and I can already see the potential for this phenomenon taking over.

And finally, here’s one I sheepishly haven’t finished:

Mindful Parent, Happy Child

by Pilar M. Placone

If you can’t get through an entire book on mindfulness, you probably need to read 10. :)

The crux of this one (so far) is that when we’re locked in battle with our kids, or frustrated with our two-year-old, it’s we who are being triggered, and not necessarily our kids who are so out-of-line (usually, they’re just being kids). This is the whole basis for seeing our children as our teachers, our vehicles for becoming better versions of ourselves. There’s just no substitute for knowing our own triggers when it comes to living a sane life.

Let this be my written commitment to dust that one off.

How to Manage the Time Change with Kids

“I hate the time change!” said every parent of a young child ever.

The switch to daylight savings can wreak such havoc on our kids’ sleep, and ours, it can make us all want to move to Saskatchewan. Or Arizona.

When the clocks spring ahead (in 2022 it’s Sunday, March 13), it can mean your kids won’t be tired until an hour after their usual bedtime, according to the clock.

If their normal bedtime is 7 p.m., after the time change they won’t be tired until the “new” 8 p.m.

But they still have to get up for daycare and school, and you for work the next day. That can mean each of you is missing an hour of sleep.

(That’s why the Monday after daylight savings starts we see the highest car-accident rate of any day of the year - sleep-deprived drivers lack focus and attention.)

So, the good news: you don’t have to move to Saskatchewan or Arizona, as lovely as both those places are.  Here is a simple method to help your child (and you) gradually adjust to the spring-ahead time change that will have you all waking up feeling, well, just normal-tired on Monday morning:

It starts the week before the time change….

Let’s say your baby’s or big-kids’ bedtime is 7:30.

On the Tuesday or Wednesday, put them to bed about 10 or 15 minutes earlier than usual. It’s a small enough amount that they likely won’t notice.

Repeat that shift a couple of nights later, and again on Saturday night.

When you ease bedtime back 10 or 15 minutes every second night, by the time Sunday night rolls around, your kids will be tucked in at the “new” 7:45 and you only have to adjust to a 15-minute time change on Monday morning.

It takes a little bit of military precision with the bedtime routine to make this strategy work, but that will only help your kids fall asleep more easily anyway.

And don’t forget – you have to get yourself to bed earlier too! That pitter-patter will be coming your way a bit sooner until we all spring ahead.

Why a Strict Bedtime Routine Really Matters

It's the first thing any baby sleep book, fact sheet or expert will tell you to do: establish a bedtime routine.

To some parents, this can feel like their last shred of freedom is being ripped away. Not every parent is a "routine person." For some, living every evening by the clock goes against their very DNA.

But I recommend them anyway, because I believe that a consistent bedtime routine for your kids can actually give you your freedom back.

Stay with me for a minute. 

Here's why routines work for babies and young kids:

• Until about middle childhood, babies' and kids' worlds are very black-and-white: there's right and wrong, yes and no, play time and nap time.... When they know what's coming next, and what to expect, there is more calm and less chaos in their minds.

• Little ones need to develop an internal body clock. When babies are born, their lives are a 24-hour blur of eating, sleeping and diaper changes. They lack a circadian rhythm - that internal body clock that tells us grownups when it's daytime and when to shut down for 8 hours of sleep. To help them develop it, they need to go to bed at roughly the same time every night, give or take 20-30 minutes.

• Kids like to know what's coming next. If your kids are verbal, just notice how many times they ask what's happening in the future: When is dinner time? When's daddy/Mommy coming home? Are we going to Grandma's today?  When they have a bedtime routine that doesn't change much, like the one below, there are no surprises to throw them off. This matters for babies too; they just can't express it yet.

• Clear boundaries build security. Really.  When the big people in their lives are really clear about what happens when, i.e. after bath we brush teeth, have a story and go to bed (virtually every night), and there is no room for negotiation, kids just stop pushing against a wall that doesn't move, and they feel safe in a predictable world. And that means peaceful, calm, sweet bedtime cuddles, kisses and 'night-nights'.

Now, here's why bedtime routines are AWESOME for parents:

• When the bedtime routine is relatively the same and doesn't change in timing or content from night to night, there is just no battle. Bedtime can become some of the sweetest time you spend with your child, rather than a nightly struggle.

• When your kids have a predictable routine, and (very importantly) clear boundaries around sleep at night (i.e. that play/attention/fun/food is for during the day), you get your evenings and nights back for you. Completely.

• Kids with routine sleep habits will easily hunker down at 7 p.m. for 11-12 hours of straight sleep. So for you, that means 3-4 hours every night to do what you want or need, knowing that you'll still have your 8 straight hours when your head hits the pillow. No more wondering what time they're going to call out and wake you up.

• The earlier you start, the easier it is to stick to - it's just a part of your child's life; no debate, no questioning. You can keep the same bedtime routine you developed for your 6-month-old until they're 8. And it makes life so much easier. Really.

Here is my sample bedtime routine and schedule for your infant, toddler or preschooler:

Start the routine ~ 6:30 p.m.
Bath
Pyjamas
Feeding / snack
Brush teeth
2 stories (max)
Song / snuggle time
Into bed awake ~ 7 - 7:30 p.m.

For 5-9-year olds, you can keep a similar routine but push it ahead 30-45 minutes.

If that "Into bed awake independently” part sounds impossible, try one of these webinar recordings from my Youtube channel - there’s a hour of info for every age group.