3 Steps to a Better Sex Life

This was my family doctor's idea for a marketing slogan when I told him about my sleep-coaching business. He's a funny dude (and thankfully a top-notch doctor).

He was speaking from experience of course. 

There's nothing like a little person in your house waking up every few hours, or a not-so-little person insisting you lie down with them in order to fall asleep twice a night, to send your libido into the basement and totally kill your marital sex life. 

I remember feeling like I finally understood what it was like to be a man, thinking about sex every 10 seconds; in the initial post-partum months, all I ever thought about was sleep. It became an obsessive, invasive thought that would cast a glaze over my eyes whenever someone spoke to me. I would nod and say an appropriate number of "mm-hmm's", but would be really thinking, "When can I sleep? When's the next nap time? I hope she sleeps in her crib so I can nap.... I need more sleep. I'm soooooo tired. Mm-hmm."

Now, there's no avoiding this bleary-eyed sleep obsession in the earliest stage of your baby's life. Your sex life will (and probably should) take a hit; there is a pretty significant physical recovery that has to happen for Mom, not to mention your top priority is keeping a new little human alive.  But often months and even years can go by without that shift back; couples can drift apart in the absence of intimacy when their child isn't sleeping through the night.

Those precious hours between 7 and 10 p.m., when a healthy, happy baby or young child is fast asleep, give Mom and Dad time both for themselves and each other, and that time can save a marriage.

I've had more than a few moms who've called to ask for my help tell me they haven't shared a bed with their partner in months or years. One mom of three said the extent of the quality time she and her husband have is "high-fiving each other" when they meet in the hallway. Another mom told me she finally understood why so many of her friends got divorced when their kids were two and three years old (at the time, she and her husband were in marriage counselling).

Intimacy isn't a luxury. And it isn't something we can afford to sacrifice after having children. Yes, our children need us and sometimes their needs outweigh everything else, but a wise friend told me years ago (several years after her own divorce), that children need parents who love each other. I would add that they also need parents in love with each other. A healthy, happy relationship between a child's parents gives them security and a happy home environment, not to mention a shining example for their own future relationships - these little people are modelling us in every moment and will continue to throughout their lives.

Now I'm not talking about neglecting your baby's needs for your own or your spouse's. This is about keeping your whole family thriving. There's just no question that a healthy sex life is one of the cornerstones of a healthy, happy marriage. (If in doubt, ask your spouse.) When we're too tired and too busy and we let intimacy slip - the same intimacy that brought you together to create this beautiful family in the first place - everyone suffers: one or both partners aren't feeling happy or fulfilled, tension builds and dissatisfaction seeps in.

And your children will pick up on the tension; they always do.

Now, back to my doctor's idea: so what are the three steps to a better sex life?  I'm fumbling through the early parenting years with two kids myself, but let me take a stab at it:

1. Decide that your marriage / partnership is a priority and a critical part of your whole family's happiness.

2. Help everyone in the family develop healthy, independent sleep habits so you actually have the time, privacy and energy for sex.

3. Once your child is consistently, happily fast asleep at 7:30 p.m., carve out time for each other, and bring back those connections that brought you together in the first place. Then settle down for your own 8 hours of sleep. 

When Can My Baby Sleep Through the Night?

It's the question we've all asked within weeks of our beautiful bundle's birth.  Once the bliss of having a newborn starts to wane under the cloud of sleep deprivation, thoughts of sleep (more sleep, please more sleep!) begin to take over.

Some babies are natural sleepers; these little angel babies can knock off 10-12 hours a night at about three months old with little-to-no concerted effort from their parents.  You don't hear about them much because their parents know not to mention it in public.

For the most part, babies will need to have calories in the night for up to six months of age*, beginning with feeding every three hours as a newborn to just one feed per night at four-to-six months. (*Your baby may need one night feed for a little longer if he is on the small side, and definitely longer if baby isn't holding his growth curve - if that's the case, seek the advice of a pediatrician.) 

The idea of baby sleeping 12 hours straight may sound absurd to the mom of a 10-month-old who wakes 3-4 times a night for her self-declared snack time. But these wakings are not physiological. In a healthy baby, night wakings at this age are in the realm of habit and a lack of self-soothing sleep skills.

For example, babies who are breastfed to sleep or use a soother will wake fully, crying out, when they come to a normal awakening at the end of each sleep cycle. These mini-awakenings are a normal part of sleep; we all have them with little or no recollection in the morning. Babies who have already learned to self soothe wake only briefly and simply reposition themselves before starting their next sleep cycle. Babies (or toddlers) who need a "prop" - something external like a soother or breastfeeding - to fall asleep wake fully, crying out for the "prop"  they intially fell asleep with.

In the case of a baby who is dependent on a sleep prop, it will take some encouragement and habit-breaking to help her learn not to wake in the night once she's past the age of physically  needing night feeds. The good news is, there are more compassionate methods now than the old-school cry-it-out technique (which essentially means saying good night to your baby and not opening her door until 7 a.m. - apparently effective, but jeesh...). 

The method I recommend to parents is one in which you are beside your baby supporting them with voice and touch as they learn this ever-important new skill of falling asleep. And it works, virtually every time.

So if your baby is healthy, beyond the newborn stage and is still waking every 2-3 hours, or beyond four months and waking more than once or twice, or beyond 7-8 months and is waking at all, you can assume it's an issue of habit, not physiological need. Babies will always make up the calories during the day to get all the nutrition they need.

With the right advice and a proven plan, your baby could be sleeping through the night within a week.  Then you'll be the one keeping quiet at the Mommy group. 

Sleep Is A Dream

Sleep is a dream, too good to be true

Because I am a Mom of not just one but two.

For those parents of three I shudder to think

Of how brief their shut-eye – the span of a blink?

If not one then the other. If by chance they both snooze,

My body’s forgotten just what it should do.

I lie awake staring, growing even more tense;

I know all too well that the peace will soon end.

From the moment of birth until now four years on,

It’s been work through the day and a job all night long.

I’ve tried everything – read five books or more,

Ferberized while they cried, and camped out on the floor.

I am so tired now. It’s all that I know.

My patience is thin, my body moves slow.

I try to carve out some time for my spouse;

When he speaks, sleep is all that I’m thinking about.

It’s become an obsession, a fix I can’t get –

It’s dragging me down, I can’t focus or think.

Is this the best that it gets? This is life as a mother?

A string of hangovers, one after the other?

I love my kids dearly, they’re the reason I live,

But at the price of my sleep I don’t have much to give.

So I’ll slog through the day, enjoy second winds,

And hope that tonight, my new life begins.

I’ve hoped that before, yet it goes on and on.

To sleep through the night is for other kids’ Moms.

I don’t sleep well or much, not nearly enough.

My kids don’t sleep either, and it’s all the more rough.

I know that there’s more, for them and for me.

We can have much more joy, so much more “joie de vivre.”

The life in my head I am too tired to lead.

Will my kids ever know the fun, boisterous “real" me?

For now I put one foot in front of the other

And hope that a new path I soon will discover:

To tuck my sweet ones into bed with a kiss,

As we all drift off fast to a full night’s sleep bliss.

And wake with eyes bright, full of wonder and magic,

Greeting each day like an artist’s blank canvas.

I want that for me, for my children of course,

An end to the stream of emotion outbursts.

To be one of those families hand-in-hand on the beach,

Not corralling their kids or dragging their feet.

Or the ones in the park full of giggles and smiles,

Running after kids like they could do that for miles.

Sleep is a dream? Too good to be true?

It’s happened for them, maybe one day, me too.

Inspired by comments from the parents I meet who have suffered months or years of sleep deprivation, and yes, my own experience too. I want to help every one of them.

Sleep is possible for every child, every family.