3 things not to say to a child with bedtime fears

Sometimes our best-intentioned words of support can give our kids the wrong message, and even end up worsening bedtime battles and night wakings. Here are 3 common things we say to our kids when they're scared that probably hurt more than help.

#1. See? There are no monsters under your bed!

Monsters and “bad guys” are common culprits in children’s nighttime fears. So, when your 6-year-old says,­­ “I’m afraid there’s a monster under my bed,” most parents launch into Superhero mode and brave the dark with their child, flashlight in hand, to show them there are no ugly beasts lurking under the bed or in the closet. Another popular solution is an essential-oil-and-water mix you call “Monster spray” that you spritz around your child's room at bedtime.

• The message you’re trying to send: “You’re safe here”.

• The message your child probably receives: “Monsters exist. There just doesn’t happen to be any under my bed right now.”

• The solution: Acknowledge their fear, get them talking about it (without trying to talk them out of it!) and give them healthy, tangible options for managing their “scared feelings” – a special rubbing stone under their pillow and/or reading their "power words" they post on the wall beside their bed.

#2. You’re a big boy/girl now, it’s time to stay in your own room all night.

If your child is coming into your room and into your bed every night, I know how exhausting that can be. But if your child is having nightmares and talking about other fears, there is likely more going on than simply defiant behaviour that needs to be curbed.

• The message you’re trying to send: “I believe in you; you can do it.”

• The message your child might be receiving: “Swallowing my fears and feelings is what it means to be a big boy / big girl."

• The solution: First, there seems to be a link between an increase in nightmares and a child being overtired; as a first step, try an earlier bedtime. Next, talk about nighttime fears during daytime hours, and really let them express themselves as you simply listen and acknowledge what they’re feeling. Using their "thinking brain" to process their fears can help dampen the fight-or-flight part of their brain that acts up when fear kicks in.

#3. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

This one is a knee-jerk reaction for so many of us, probably because we were raised this way. We mean well (and so did our parents), but the underlying message here is to ignore what we’re truly feeling, burying it rather than facing it in a productive, healthy way that helps us grow and become more resilient.

• The message you’re trying to send: “I love you and want you to be happy and feel safe.”

• The message your child may be receiving: “My feelings aren’t real and / or don’t matter.”

• The solution: You may be starting to see a pattern here, but it’s always a good idea to acknowledge your child’s emotions and listen while they talk them through. It can even help them sleep.

It’s so tempting to try to “fix” our kids' fears or logically explain why their worries have no basis in reality. But according to experts, what every child needs more than anything is to be seen and heard. Not only will listening and simply acknowledging give our kids exactly what they need, it actually gives them the sense of safety and security they really need to stand (or sleep) on their own.

If you have a child aged 6-10 with fears around bedtime and sleeping alone, book a free call to learn more about my Confident Sleepers Big Kid program.

How to keep your early-riser sleeping

If your child is waking up before the crack of dawn every day (i.e. before 6 a.m. after a 7:30 bedtime), this checklist is a good starting place for solving the issue: 

• Offer them more food before bedtime to fill their tank a little more.

• Use blackout blinds; make sure the room is dark enough and that street lights aren't seeping in around the sides.

• Avoid night lights or light-up toys in the room. The perfect amount of light for a child’s room is to have a night light on in the hallway with their door left open just a crack. And cover any LED lights from devices in the room (humidifiers, monitors) with electrical tape.

• Put an extra layer on your child, so that they don’t become a little chilly at 5 a.m. when body temperatures tend to drop. If your child doesn’t move around a whole lot while they sleep, you could also slip a extra light blanket on them when you’re heading to bed. But keep the room temperature between 18 and 21 degrees C.

• Use a little white noise (placed away from your child’s bed) to help drown out early-morning birds, garbage trucks or snowplows rolling by, a heater kicking in or a parent getting up early for work.

All of these tips assume that your child is falling asleep independently, without any sleep 'props' like Mom or Dad falling asleep beside them (and then going off to their own bed for the night), or for younger children, falling asleep feeding or with a pacifier. Since we have a lot of light-sleep phases in the early morning hours, your child will almost certainly wake up at 5 a.m. looking for their prop.

If you'd like more tips for helping your child sleep well, I have a free video series - one for every age group from infants to age 10.

How to keep your sleep with the time change

If this is your first fall-back time change with a baby, or you have parenting-induced amnesia about last year, here’s what’s going to happen:

This Saturday, the clocks turn back an hour, meaning your child’s perfectly great 7:30 bedtime is suddenly 6:30 p.m. the next day. After 1.5 seconds of celebrating that idea, your bubble bursts with the realization that they’ll also be waking up a whole hour earlier, which could be 6 a.m. Or maybe 5. Yuck.

But you can fight the time-change chaos! The key is to start early:

Starting the week ahead of time-change weekend, put your baby or young child to bed 10 or 15 minutes later than usual. Their bodies won’t usually notice a change that small. Then do the same thing two nights later, and two nights after that. If you do it gradually enough (and you’ve got solid blackout blinds in your child’s bedroom), their morning wakeup time should be moving a little later as well.

The idea is that by the time Sunday rolls around, your little one will already be on the new time (or only 15 minutes off) and not rearing to go when the clock shows 5:30 a.m.

If your child is already waking up too early in the morning, there are lots of things you can do to change that: you can book a free call with me any time to talk it through.